The decision, made by a single woman, that she doesn’t need any more male friends; that from now on her answer to the question “Can we just be friends?” is “No.”
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among the single men I’ve met lately. When they say they just want to be friends, its like some new inventive way to go straight for the prize. It’s not an annoying blow-off anymore; its an annoying bona fide offer. Sure, now they want to try that sushi restaurant, exchange CDs and witty e-mails, hear singer/songwriters in groovy little clubs, hike, and bike, play Ping-Pong, maybe even travel a little bit. This would all be very exciting if there was a chance in hell, that there would be no, none, nada, zilch, bit of romance…the thought alone would’ve been enticing, to have a male companion, “friend.”
My first thought was, ‘he’s gotta be gay’- these men- sadly, repressed homosexuality only accounts for roughly half the men who don’t want to date me. This modest approach has really screwed things up for unavailable women just looking for a change in scenery. The mere thought of just “hanging out, or enjoying the same interests” is gone.
“You’re not a department store, you’re a boutique,” a male friend once advised. (He was an MBA, and this was before I declared my Male Friend Moratorium.) What he meant, I think, is that in the world of dating you’re not trying to attract everyone, you’re trying to attract a very select group of people who are in the market for exactly what you’re selling. However, these new male friend wannabes are confusing because they appear to be in the market for what you’re selling. They try on the relationship. But you just don’t see the fit, its like mixing plaid with stripes.
I enacted my Male Friend Moratorium when I realized I was in a slump that consisted of meeting a cute guy, having one or two dinners with him, and at the end of the night, wondering what happen to that witty “gentleman” I’ve been e-mailing all week. Initiating awkward conversation, finding out that the line “lets just be friends…” was bullshit from the start, and I didn’t see or hear that train coming. Nevertheless, I accepted this social consolation prize because anyone who’s faced the “Can we be friends?” question knows that saying you want to be friends is akin to saying “I just want to jump your bones…” And who wants to give that guy the slight thought that maybe, he’s good enough to shop in your boutique?
I don’t mean to imply that I don’t enjoy and value male acquaintances. I do. I’ve just reached my capacity. And ultimately these ‘new’ male friendships are not satisfying, because the more you think your going to just be friends, and enjoy wine tasting, or ice skating, the more you have to realize things are never what they seem, and your “friend” is just waiting.
