There are days when I wake up believing in pumpkin-carriages, princes with tight asses, and kindly rats who will make me a dress for the ball.
And then there are other days..
…Today was certainly the “other” kind of day, one where the application for “princess” seemed way too hard to complete (“please write a 3 page essay on why you deserve to live “happily ever after“”…).
So with little motivation to dream about a fairytale life, I drop-kicked my “Enchanted” DVD, and started to think of alternative options…
…There was one that struck me immediately:
-Courting a younger man.
Let me explain…
…At twenty something, it is not insane to consider man-boys who have lots of mileage left in their “junk”.
And what would a “fully-loaded” man-boy want to do with me?
Lots of things.
For starters there’s that natural attraction to a financially secure woman who wears the pants. This doesn’t mean my pants will be fully buckled at all times (ahem), but I’ve often read/overheard that guys like a little dominant authority; it’s that whole teacher/corporate boss thing…you know?
And no I’m not a corporate boss, but I’m professional enough to seem like a CEO in the eyes of a late-teenager/early 20’s scholar (in other words my “target customer”).
But once the initial “dominatrix-seeking” pheromones wear off, what then? Won’t Mr. Man-Boy turn the other cheek and run right back to the gum-chewing whores of his own generation?
Perhaps, but here’s the saving grace:
-I can buy him lots of stuff.
Already I can hear the cries of “money can’t buy you love!!”
That’s a perfectly valid “sing-song”, but who said anything about love today?
At the moment, I am not too impressed by the “fairy-tale” dream; it feels far off, it feels too cheesy, and it feels too impossible to execute.
Who knows, maybe I’m just in a mood, and maybe tomorrow I’ll be back at the window sill, waiting for the pumpkin-carriage. For now though, let’s talk business…
…I’ve been saving a good chunk of money for the last 6 months. This resulted from buying fewer clothes than ever before. So with a big wad of cash firmly installed in my push-up cleave, I shouldn’t have trouble finding a younger man.
But let me clarify: I won’t just be handing over bills in exchange for “lovin’” (for fear of getting caught in that Hugh Grant kind of way), but I’ve still got a good idea or two…
…For one thing I could sneak into a college and smash up a student’s XBox 360. Then I could randomly walk past his room with a brand new XBox, discover him weeping and explain the following:
“I was going to drop off this XBox 360 for my brother, but I’ve only just realized that he lives in another country. The shipping costs to send it to his house (in Zanzibar) are astronomical, and damn, I lost the receipt. Maybe I could leave it for you instead, you know…my good deed for the day…”
The collegiate man-boy will wipe away the tears and cast me a glance.
From there, he will have fallen for Jennalee, in that magical monetary way…
…There’s also another plan where I hang out at a high school parking lot, with ten pairs of brand new basketball shoes. This plan is ideal for women who prefer to order buffets, so they can sample a little bit of everything. I’m not really sure if that woman is me, but hey, it’s a plan.
Needless to say, I’ve got the cash, I’ve got the touch and slightly damaged “junk” myself…I can do this!
Now where’s the nearest puppy mill?
