The Nature of the Dilemma
It happens all the time. The quintessential drama that young, and perhaps not so young, women find themselves in. They encounter a man and they fall in love. For some it may happen instantly… for others, it may take weeks, even months to develop. But the final result is precisely that: she is in love, he isn’t- not with her, anyway.
Yes, it feels dire, desperate,and hopeless…particularly in this stauchly conservative culture where women are expected to wait till they are chosen, wooed, and courted. Sadly, a woman in love has no choice but to hid her heart and pine away, it seems. Or does she?
Or can she do something about it, and more importantly, have a hope of success?
Reason vs. Emotion
If you are, in fact, in love or simply in “crush” (it really doesn’t matter which), make sure that your reasons are well… resonable. It can’t be just because he’s a Ricky Martin look-alike or because he has great abs and pecs, or even because he’s great in bed; ok maybe that one, but then thats just lust… anyways. The assumption is that you know your target well enough to believe that you and he will get along. You and he like the same things or his sense of humor is like yours or he values things like family and friends the way you do. This is being rational, rather than emotional. Being rational will serve you well in your pursuit of his ‘love.’
Have good reasons for the state of your heart and you will achieve success.
A Matter of Male Clueless-ness
It’s a matter of perspective. One way to look at this: It’s not much that you are in love with someone who does not love you. It’s that, that someone does not yet know that you are there for him to love.
Men can be sort-of clueless about affairs of the heart and matters of compatibility. Like many species in the animal kingdome, they go for shiny objects, things that are brightly colored and move around a lot. They will incline themselves toward the objectively pretty, obviously attractive women. Many don’t even give a thought initially to personality- letting the physical attration lead the way, often to dismal ends.
Look at it this way: All you’re doing is giving him a clue to two to solving the mystery of you.
All’s Fair in Love
The reason why many girls fail to get their guy to like them is they count on it too much. You might say like Renee Zellwegger said in the film, Jerry Maguire: “But I love him!” Truth is, you don’t. You are in severe “crush”- you don’t know yet if you love him. You just think that you might be able to. An entirely different thing, trust me.
The mindset you should have? That all is fair in the game of love. In short: Don’t put all your emotional eggs in one man’s basket. The only way you stand a chance at winning him is if you will be able to stand it in case you lose him. This not about heart’s lifelong happiness. All this is sporting effort at making a guy see how wonderful YOU are.
Throw out the notion that this is the one and only man for you. Yes, this maybe the one…or he could be just the one of many to come. On the off chance that he isn’t, there will be others. This should to be your frame of heart and mind before you embark on this quest: dating.
There are no guarantees but there’s also no law against trying to win the affections of a seemingly indifferent man. What’s more, a few women have succeeded and reaped the rewards.
A Word of Warning
There are men out there who are especially suspicious of women who “like them first.” (They may even be reading this article). Some are even jerky enough to disdain the woman and look down on them-mark of insecurity, if ever there was one (“If I don’t need to make like me, there must be something wrong with her, ie: clingee, needy…ect.”). They want someone who is elusive. They yearn for the the thrill of the chase. They don’t want a “sure thing.” Not all of them are like that: a few are painfully shy, nerdy, or torpe… but goodness knows, there are enough out there of the other kind. Which makes your safest course of action playing it cool. Yes, your heart may be skipping firey beats…but as you go through the guidelines, remember that all that’s going on in your heart and mind should never be apparent in any way, shape, or form to the outside world; until the times right.
Bottom line: You like him, give him the option of liking you back.
Here’s How:
1. Stay in his line of vision: Men are def attracted to anything; shoes, cars, and yes women who shine. Being conscious that there are other pretty girls- shouldn’t be a competition. Instead be the brightest, be yourself, be oblivious as though he isn’t over there. Enjoy yourself, you come first always, and he can’t discover how wonderful you are unless he sees you. So be seen.
2. Let him see the nurturing you. We are the fairer sex because we are nurturing. It goes back to the fact that biologically, we can be mothers. Remember: all men first fell in love with their mothers. VERY IMPORTANT: nurture like a mother, never ACT like one. Russell Wild, author of Why Men Marry (Contemporary, 1999) says, “Men consistently list nurturing as one of the prime qualities they look for in a partner. Any man loves it when a woman pampers him, whether it’s fixing him dinner or fixing his hair”
Does this mean you should nurture him? Definitely not. Simply show that you are nurturing by being caring toward everyone- your friends, your family, people who are close to you.
Once it was raining, I was genuinely concerned about whether he (my guy) had an umbrella or not to go to class in another building. You know how guys are, they never ask. So I lent him mine. Naturally though, it’s got to be sincere. Fake nurturing is nothing but fake, and it will not get you anywhere.
3. Show your assets. You have a talent. A clear strength. You’re a great dancer. Or you’re a good communicator. You might be an athlete, or love to cook. Find that and don’t make it a secret. Nothing turns a guy on more than a girl who’s good at what she does: whatever it is.
4. Feel beautiful? Show it-for the world at large. As world renowned makeup artist and head of her own cosmetics company, Bobbi Brown says: Confidence is the great beautifier. So do all you can to feel beautiful…then put it into motion. You may not be the most beautiful girl in the world, but who says you can’t act/feel like it? When you consciously radiate beauty, it soon becomes unconscious. Think of it as casting a net for the world and if he chooses to fall for the bait, then great!
5. Stalker? Watching like a hawk? A follow-up on #1, just because its key; you don’t see him. You don’t know he’s watching. And as you go about your business whether it’s work or play. Remember… oblivious, elusive, and mysterious. Ninety-nine percent of the the time, act like he does not even exist… then every now and then, flash him a “look-at-me” look. A mixture of surprise and pleasure that he is there after all.
No guy like to have a stare down with a girl off bat. They like to sit back and observe. Once the connection is made, then you ‘both’ take it to the next level… remember most guys like to chase, if your up for a little cat and mouse, have fun with it. Just know you are the one in control.
6.Always have a lot of carefree fun. Men are scared off by women who are out for a serious committed relationship with the promise of a wedding ring after two years. Besides, all you want is for him to fall for (with) you; you don’t really know if you want the whole ‘banana.’ Take it one step at a time. You are out to show how much fun it is to be with you. The more fun and carefree you are, the more likely you are to be noticed by men with that same mindset.
7.Be feminine but a friend. Keep within the lines of being friendly like a pal but still being feminine like a woman. Showing that you can kick back and watch tv in sweats, but still be sexy, and get a little close during the commericals. Or you can get out and get dirty, but of course you look sexy with your hair tied up, and sweat dripping off of you.
8.There are other guys in the picture. Even if there are no other guys in the picture, you should be a busy woman with people to see and places to go. He dosen’t have to know that you’re nights out with Carlo are mainly food trips to his boyfriend’s restaurant. Remember, guys cannot help but want someone who is wanted, who has stuff going on. If all you are doing is hanging around him…well, that’s not going to get you anywhere, literally.
9.Stake out common interest. Treat him like a real person, and not like the man of your dreams. In other words, use every conversation to get to know him better, the way you get to know any other friend. You find out you both like the same music: ask to borrow his latest CD. You find out that he watches scary moveis the way you do: offer him to catch a matinee. If he reads the same material you do, bring your latest novel, it maybe something that the both of you can share and read together and then discuss what you liked about it over coffee the way you would with any other friend.
10. Don’t forget your passion and NEVER neglect your life! Do not drop your life. No man is EVER worth that. This is a goal you have set for yourself much like deciding to eat healthier or deciding to revamp your career. Other aspects of your life should not fall to the wayside. You are you because of all these things. Throwing yourself at him, only shows that your are needy, and he might lable you just as that. No man wants a girl he can’t shake. Everyone has personal space, and their own life. You live yours and let him live his; if for some reasons you cross pathes more than often then run with it, embrace the time you have for (with) eachother. Don’t smother him, Don’t beg at him, if he wants you, you will know, if you want him, make is subtle. Life is to beautiful to beat yourself up over a guy who doesn’t want you, or dosen’t make things clear on what he wants in life. You have much more to offer than that.
The Bonus Tip: As Ally McBeal once said: “It’s really about attitude. In everything you do, act like you are loveable and you will be, be clear that your affectionate- and enjoy the closeness you will encounter. And should this guy fail to notice… toss your hair back and look elsewhere. Some other guy just might be looking in your direction.” 
